Update on family that shared their journey with a trans child

In May 2023 I shared the story of Barb and Thomas and their child Sam, who is trans.

The family of six—Barb, Thomas and their four children—had been long time members of a Mennonite Brethren church in Canada. In the post, they spoke about how challenging it was to be part of that church and denomination, considering its stance on LGBTQ+ people.

At the time of the interview, Barb and Thomas were struggling with the decision about whether to stay or leave that church. “Increasingly, we just don’t feel we fit in the Mennonite Brethren conference anymore,” Barb said.

After taking time to think about it over the summer, Barb and Thomas have left that church and the Mennonite Brethren denomination. Here’s an update on their story.

While they would like to use their real names, there are people who could be negatively impacted by their association to this family’s story. As a result, they have chosen to still remain anonymous.

By June, we felt we had got to the point where we knew we needed to leave. It was a not a matter of if, but when. 

The way the denomination was handling the conversation about LGBTQ+ people—basically, not permitting an honest discussion about it—left us feeling deeply conflicted. 

How could we be part of a denomination where our child felt they didn’t belong or matter for who they are?

We thought we’d take the summer away to think about the best time to go. The new year seemed a possibility.

But then the Mennonite Brethren Conference announced that Iain Provan would be speaking at its Equip Conference in October, describing people like us who have a different view of welcome and affirmation of Queer people as being like cuckoo birds out to destroy the denominational nest. That was the final straw.

We thought: If the Conference is not willing to have a conversation about this, but only describe people like us as those who are dangerous and need to be expunged from the denomination, was it possible for us to stay?

At the same time, it was discouraging to think that all the conversation that had happened earlier at Open Space seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.

And so we left earlier than we planned. We stopped going to our church in early fall.

While we are sad to have left the relationships we had built in that congregation over the last decade of attending, we feel such a freedom on Sunday mornings now—we don’t have to hide or pretend about our family. I didn’t realize how freeing it would be to let go of that burden.

As for Sam, they found a new home at a local affirming church. They also find it freeing to be at a church where they feel totally accepted—“my church is fantastic! I love it there,” they said of how they feel accepted and affirmed.

Life, they said, “is much better now.”

As for us, we are attending a local evangelical church with two of our four children. (Sam and another sibling go to the affirming church) Our new church isn’t affirming, but the pastor is very open and welcoming of conversation on this topic—the church invites everyone to come just as they are. That includes us; we feel welcome there.

What we like about it is that the music and worship style is engaging and heartfelt and the teaching is deep and relevant. Everyone there is welcoming and intentionally relational; it is one of the core values of the church. It is amazing how we have been welcomed, integrated, and connected.

Although we aren’t attending an affirming church, we stay in touch with friends who are parents of LGBTQ+ children. We have also met other parents of queer children at our new church. That is an important connecting point for us.

While we would ideally like to be at an affirming church, all I can say is that, right now, it feels like we are where we are supposed to be. All of us feel freer than before, and feel our spirits are being renewed and reawakened.